However if you want to meet a really hot, rich, childless, 28 year old, date for a couple of years, get proposed to on a romantic trip to Paris and then have a year long engagement where you plan the perfect destination wedding. Get married, travel and enjoy the first years of marriage while you save for a down payment on a starter home and then effortless get pregnant, twice and have two perfect children and so on and so on…it probably is too late.
If you are single and over 35 you can have a family, however what it is going to look like is completely different than any of the fairy tales we’ve read or movies we’ve watched. It is now up to you to decide what your family it is going to look like, because it is never going to look like you thought it would.
At this point you may or may not be able to personally pop that baby out, so having a a baby with your genetics may not be on the table. You may or may not be in a relationship, so how are you going to do this?
It now requires you doing something you were never taught to do and that is FOCUS on creating a family. Yes we are proficient at education and careers and getting the job done.
All those skills we lent in and learnt are honed. However creating the space to be feminine, receptive and vulnerable is not a place we know very well, let alone feel comfortable in. Willingly go there? Hell on!
This is the deal, if you want a family then put on your to do list: Get comfortable focusing and creating my family.
You thought your husband would just show up one day and then you would have kids - Not because you were desperate to have kids - just because you assumed one day you would. Well for a lot of us that one day didn't happen and now it's time to decide even though we don't have the partner, do we want the children?
On another note: It turns out we can’t have everything a man has. Our ‘first off the feminist bus’ mothers got it wrong. That being said they didn't know we would be asking our ovaries to work at 45, and now we have asked, we and science have found that our ovaries don’t usually work at 45, in fact they start throwing out genetically mutated eggs around 35.
Not all of us can decide at 40 it’s time to find a husband and find one expeditiously, for a number of reasons, one of them being that there are only about 2 fish left in the pond at this point. However for a career man, with money, a fancy house and a fancy car, the pool has even more fish in it at 40 than when he was a struggling intern at 25.
No mom, you got it wrong, we can’t by default have what a man has.
However on the flip side, if we do get to 'have it all', we end up doing everything a woman and a man does, it’s exhausting and turns out not as much fun as we imagined it to be at 25 - not that we spent much time imagining it...we were busy becoming independent, strong, needless women.
Okay so enough bitching and complaining, yeah it’s not the same.
If you are 40 and single and don’t have a partner you have to decide right now, for yourself, do I want a child? If the answer is yes, how you are going to go out and do that?
What are your options? What resources do you have? Do you have eggs on ice? Can you afford to go put some on ice? Do you have a sperm donor? Are you open to adoption?
Your family is not going to look like you thought it would and you have to accept that and move forward. It is time to create the family that is going to stop you feeling like you have missed out. Because you haven’t, you’ve just missed out on what you thought should happen.
Now is your chance to take back the power of being a woman and create a family, because that's what you are capable of and what you need, Oh cringe, a need?!
Let me tell you a couple of stories that will give you an idea of what I am talking about (names have been changed).
Lisa, she is gorgeous, spent her twenties and thirties dating very eligible - read - billionaires/millionaires/famous men/enviable men/drop dead gorgeous men- then at 39 she found herself single and childless. WTF happened? Then on holiday with her Aunt she came across a little girl who had been abandoned by her drug addicted parents and Lisa thought to herself, if not me then who is going to take care of this child?
She eventually adopted her and completely turned this little girls life around. She con-currently started dating a guy who was divorced and had two boys (and no desire to have anymore). They spent the next two years going on family trips and Lisa thought, this was it, she was done.
Turns out, how she parented the little girl completely changed her boyfriends mind on wanting more children and on the night that her now husband proposed to her - at 41- she became pregnant. Lisa now has a baby girl and is pregnant with another baby at 43.
Her adopted daughters birth father then showed up, 3 years sober in a solid relationship and wanted his daughter back. This Lisa supported and her adopted daughter went back to her father. I am not sure if any of this would have happened had Lisa not decided that she wanted a daughter and took that step first before finding her partner.
Sarah was a successful corporate executive who met a guy when she was 40 and fell in love, they both wanted children, until 2 years later when he changed his mind and didn't. Sarah still did, so she went to freeze her eggs, however on the day she was scheduled to have her eggs harvested the Dr cancelled the procedure due to her not having enough eggs to make it worth the time.
Then two years later at 44 Sarah realized that her desire to have children was not going away. Her sister reminded her that she still had sperm in the bank - after her first botched egg harvesting attempt - so all she needed was an egg. This involved many late nights in hotels (she was traveling for work constantly) going through profiles of potential egg donors - over 1800 profiles.
TIme out, don't you love this? Don't you love that this woman was able to be so in control of the process? There will be someone who will be horrified by this. Not me, I love it. This is the next wave of what our mothers imagined - they didn't imagine it like this obviously, -however this is the epitome what our mothers fought for. To have what a man has - CHOICE.
After selecting her donor and even meeting her in person, she was artificially inseminated and had a baby on her own at 45.
Sarah is now contemplating having another baby (she has 5 embryos left) and can't begin to imagine her life without her son.
How many stories do you know of people who decided they wanted a family and made it happen? Even though it doesn't look like what you thought was ‘normal’. I would love to hear them.
It’s not too late for a family if you are ready to open your mind to all the possibilities around you.
If you or someone you know would like help navigating their options, please reach out. Click here to book a one-on-one session or send an email to firstname.lastname@example.org with any questions you may have.